what i am like

so, after we finished the peasant princess series of sermons on the song of solomon by mark driscoll, janelle and i started going through his series on the book of proverbs.

so last night we watched the one about planning, where pastor mark talks about the value and methods of organization. it was so inspiring that janelle and i decided to do an online calendar so we could sync our schedules ... or even have a schedule.

which led me to reflect on what kind of person i am. i love organizing. i love putting things into their categories. i love making plans and carrying them out. i love overseeing projects. i love making decisions. but, that being the case, why is my life such a disorganized mess? why am i so indecisive?

janelle has accused me of being a closet perfectionist. and i think she's right. i have a tendency to give up on things if they're not going my way. for example, when she first accused me, we were playing a game with some friends, and after losing a few times i gave up and quit and janelle said, "you're just a closet perfectionist." well, losing isn't fun! but it turns out, if i can't win i won't play.

i found myself doing this a little while ago by myself too. i was playing privateer on my computer and got to a dead end where it was too difficult and i couldn't beat it after a few tries. instead of trying again and again or changing my strategy, i opened the program files and changed the game to give myself an advantage. well, i gave myself such an advantage that the game got so easy i quickly lost interest and stopped playing.

when janelle and i were first married, we tried putting together a budget. i really like doing that. we planned our spending and saving. but as we were planning it, i was already tempted to give up on it because janelle and i weren't agreeing on how much money to spend on what. but we worked through it, put the plan in place and tried to execute it. it was a cash-only system. we would use our debit cards to make cash withdrawls and that's it. our credit cards came out of our wallets and we used them only to make online purchases or in case of emergencies. but one of us couldn't remember to bring the cash and kept using the debit card, because shopping trips are so whimsical. we just happen to be driving past the grocery store and deciding what we're going to eat at the same time and, of course, we left the grocery cash at home, so instead of going home and getting the cash and coming all the way back, we just use our debit cards.

so i gave up on the budget before we could even use it.

i like using agendas. i like to write in everything i need to do and scheduling my day months ahead of time and planning my life like that. but, i can't plan every aspect of my life like that. plans change and unexpected things happen and mess up my beautifully scheduled life. so, i give up on my agenda. i'm really inflexible that way.

i know i appear to be easy going and laid back, but really, i'm kind of uptight. it's just that being uptight isn't working for me, so i just let everything go and stop caring. i need to qualify that, though...

i like to be spontaneous and unpredictable, but even my spontanaity is planned. for example, when i asked janelle to marry me, it seemed like a spontaneous decision: i mean, janelle and i had only known each other for a few months and we'd only been together for ten days. i just bought a ring and asked her to marry me. but that had been planned, right down to the exact words i used when i asked her to marry me, months ahead of time. i just needed a time, when the time came, i was emotionally prepared for it.

some people seem to think i'm reckless and a little crazy. but i put a lot of thought into my recklessness. i'm no daredevil. i don't like taking risks. unless i'm completely in control. and i can feel like i'm completely in control when i'm climbing things crazily, or driving recklessly in certain conditions, or any of those things i do that people would consider "crazy" because the only variable i need to take into consideration is myself (and my vehicle... but i don't tend to take risks with a vehicle i'm not comfortable with) and whether or not i am able to do whatever it is that i'm doing. i can take risks, but they're managed risks, where i'm very confident that i will succeed without hurting myself or anyone else. otherwise, i don't enjoy myself. i hate amusement parks because it's always someone else doing all the decisions and i don't know what's going to happen. if i could decide what the ride would be like, i would probably love it. i really don't like the idea of a cruise ship vacation because all the stops and the times are planned by someone else.

i hate being in a state of constantly reacting to things. when we get an invitation, or a catastrophe occurs that i haven't foreseen, i get irritated. i want to have everything planned and be the one in charge and i wish people could issue invitation months or even years ahead of time so that i have time to emotionally prepare for them.

i need to have a plan, but i don't have one.