Stalin, Khruschev, and Brezhnev

My cold war history prof told this joke in class today about the Soviet leaders:

A Soviet train gets stuck in a snowdrift. When the problem comes to Stalin's attention, he says: "Find and shoot the saboteurs." The police randomly choose five passengers and shoot them, then force the rest of the passengers to push the train.

In the same circumstance, but years later, when General Secretary Khruschev is alerted of the problem, he boards the train and says to the passengers, "For the glorious advancement of socialism, come with me and we will shovel the snow."

And, when the same thing happens while Brezhnev is General Secretary, he gets on the phone with the conductor and says, "Close the drapes and shake the train so the passengers think it is still moving."

Here are some further quotes from my Cold War history professor that I found humorous:

1. About the atomic bomb: "President Truman thought: we paid for it, we might as well use it."

2. "Representative government has not the same meaning to the Soviets as to the Americans."

3. "I am not a great leader makes history person but the leader does make a difference." (On the difference between Roosevelt and Truman.)

4. "The bourgeoisie owns the capitalist system."

5. "There is no friendship between states, only interest." (This is one of his favourite sayings.)

6. "It was very easy for the Americans to make Stalin into a second Hitler."

7. "Humanitarian causes are never motivations for political action."

8. "1953 is a key date: Stalin died."

9. "The USSR had not much to give."

10. "Sovietization was extended to every aspect of life, with the USSR's academy of science demonstrating Soviet supremacy in every field ... they could say that the USSR invented the wheel."

11. "Propaganda was also used in the west. Sometimes the two systems are symmetrical."

12. "Stalin was a complicated guy."

13. "The Atomic Bomb is not something you use, but something you like to have."

14. "Roosevelt was considered a shoddy president for being too conciliatory with the USSR; after him, the presidency was reduced to two terms."

15. This one demonstrates the way he talks: About post-Korean war cross-border conflicts: "They would think, it would be interesting to have that hill, you know, fortified line."

16. "I cannot overstate this enough, Stalin was paranoid."

17. "You can believe that workers need decent pay without being a Bolshevik."

18. "Stalin drank vodka like water even in his 70s. So he was very tough."

19. About brinkmanship: "Or, if you prefer, brinkpersonship; I received a comment, so now I am prepared."

20. About post WW2 sentiment about Germany: "We love Germany so much that we want two of them."

21. "The USSR was okay with neutralism."

22. About the settlement of the Suez Canal Crisis: "The French were a lot tougher and quite sore at the British for backing out. They thought if you invade someone, you should have the wherewithal to see it through." (The British bowed to international pressure and withdrew from their short Suez Canal adventure, which they had commenced jointly with France and Israel.)

23. About the USSR's involvement in the Third World: "There was a lot of mischief that could be caused by the USSR."

24. "Politics is not a very very ethical activity."

25. "The soviet rockets were put together with glue, string, and scotch tape."

26. About Soviet and American nuclear war strategy: "I destroy Toronto, you destroy Budapest, I made my point, you made yours... This concerned the European leaders, as you can see, because what if, after a nuclear war has ravaged the allies of both countries, the USSR and the United States decide to make peace?"

27. He asks the class this question: "How did Khruschev use the sputnik success for foreign and domestic propaganda?" When the class doesn't seem to understand the question, he asks: "Was he in the sputnik capsule?" Someone from the class says, "No." He laughs, "No, of course not. But it was pretty annoying for the Americans."

28. "Everything happened in 1956."

29. "I think Eisenhower would have a heart attack if he saw today's deficit."

30. About Khruschev's international travels, compared to Stalin, who rarely traveled internationally: "This was annoying for the Americans. With Stalin it had been convenient to be able to make him into an ogre in the Kremlin."

31. About the Sino-Soviet Split: "There was a big crack in the Eastern Bloc."

32. "Mao was impractically driven by ideology."

33. About the Chinese Industrial Revolution or "Great Leap Forward": "This was an industry manned by peasants. The plan was to have small factories in villages. To the Soviets this was not Proletarian, it was unorthodox and it was impractical. It would produce scrap, and even today, the Chinese have become very successful at producing scrap. But the Soviets thought it was a hare-brained project."

34. "The USSR is always pro-peace for propaganda."

35. "Kennedy made big mistakes in the beginning."